Monthly Archives: May 2009

I’m driving myself crazy…. yep…

I’m driving myself crazy. I can’t stop thinking about the small fetal pole and how I’m measuring small for how far along I should be… I’m just so confused. I had a day (maybe two) of spotting around the time I should have gotten my period – could it have been my period? I’m not sure I’ve ever had it be that short before… I mean, I’ve got a messed up cycle, but 2 days has never happened. If that’s the case, being only six weeks along makes sense…. but still not totally. I just don’t think it was. Don’t I know my own body well enough by now?

I’m trying not to get my hopes up that this baby is okay and growing. Maybe it’s just behind… but I’m still not getting my hopes up. Hubby doesn’t understand why I’m taking this stance. I just want to prepare myself for what would be the worst EVER.

I go to Quest Diagnostics (why are they the ONLY place that does these things?) this morning for my blood tests. I am apprehensive about this because I’m not a great blood-giver. I tried to donate when I was much younger but was told it would take too long for me to donate the required amount…something about my blood being thick I thought. Anyways, I tend to get woozy and light-headed anyways so I haven’t tried since. But the other time I had to give blood for a test, the same thing happened and it took a long-ass time to fill up all the viles they needed. Barf.

The girls are awake so I must leave my writing haven for now. I’m glad I’m keeping up on the blog this time. I’ll have to finish the girls’ story at some point as they’ll be two this Fall and I haven’t even written about their birth story yet!

Wish me luck at Quest! 🙂

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Doctor’s Appointment Update!

WELL.

There’s only one baby in there.

*sigh* My heart was POUNDING as the doctor inserted the transvaginal ultrasound thingy to check my uterus for more than one baby. POUNDING. And then it turned out to be just one. I have to admit, I was totally bummed. I know, I should be grateful I’m pregnant with all the women in the world who can’t conceive…. but I totally feel like I failed. My ovaries failed me, haha. I’m not a double dropper like I thought! And another part of me feels like maybe I failed as a mom of twins and that’s why I’m not getting them again. I know God only gives me what I can handle, but I thought… I don’t know what I thought. I just feel…. disappointed. I know, I’m nuts.

The “fetal pole”… (I hate the word fetus, fetal, etc. I prefer baby, but whatever let’s be medical for a minute.)… The “fetal pole” is measuring 6 weeks 5 days, however according to my LMP (last menstrual period) I’m 9 weeks pregnant with a New Year’s Day 2010 due date! Thus, I am confused. Baffled, even. It’s measuring .78cm which according to my conversion calculator is 7.8mm.

Now that I’ve typed that out, I can’t believe I had to look up a conversion calculator to do that math. I’ve never been good at math. In fact, from high school through college, I had teachers pass me in math class just because they knew I was throwing everything I had into trying to understand….I just never got it. I was reading by the time I was three – Go figure.

Ok, so I’m 9 weeks but the baby is measuring 6 weeks. Of course, through all my research (I know, I should just be leaving this up to the medical professionals and not Google…), there’s a great chance this will end up as one of those pregnancies that just doesn’t end up taking. AKA, the dreaded miscarriage…. I go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to determine growth and to get the results of the blood tests I’m required to take. I’m just so confused, has anyone else gone through this measuring small for the size you should be? We could hardly see anything on the screen but my doctor chalked it up to the new equipment and that they hadn’t really figured out how to set the lighting on it yet…. I’m an over-thinking worry-wort so of course my mind is racing. Why is it so small? How come if I’m 9 weeks it’s not bigger? When was this child conceived???????????????????????????????? I’m baffled. It seems like such a blur, the month of April – between friends in town, Easter in the Big City, Grandma being sick and eventually passing…. we just can’t figure out when the ‘venomous snake’ let loose and made a baby – which furthers the 9 week/6 week confusion.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I wish I could put my head on mute. 😦

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We fried our computers…

Okay. I don’t really think it was “WE”. I’m pretty positive my husband knocked over the vase of flowers and didn’t notice, thus leaving both our laptops in a pool of water overnight. *sigh*…. I miss my Facebook and my Blog the most.

Hopefully, I’ll be up and writing soon.

My doctor appointment is today!!! 3:45pm, say a little prayer everything goes well! I”M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Suspense is Killer…

Two days. Two days until I go see my doctor. I’m really hoping she wants to do a diagnostic ultrasound to “rule out” (or rule in!!) twins. I’m not sure I could stand waiting until 20 weeks to find out – and I’m not sure it would be a good idea to wait that long again! (Read my long-time-ago post: “Usually we wait for the doctor to give the patient this kind of information…”) We’ve decided that once I’m farther along, we do want to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. It only makes sense to us as we have EVERYTHING for a girl and nothing for a boy. Well, we’ve got some non-gendered clothing but for the most part it’s all butterflies and flowers. 🙂

I grew up wanting my babies sexes to be surprises to me, I suppose it’s still a surprise even though we’ll find out before he/she is born… Maybe we won’t tell other people what the baby is… that’s not a bad idea.

The suspense is killer. It’s way too early for a heartbeat (according to my calculations, though with my wildly irregular cycle perhaps I’m more pregnant than I think!) so she’d have to do an ultrasound to be sure. I just HAVE to know if we’ve got to be looking for one or two cribs. Once I know this, then the new baby’s room can start to be decorated. I’m excited for that!! It was so much fun planning the girls’ room; I can’t wait to decorate another nursery. It’s one of the best parts of having a new baby!

At 2o months old, Juniper & Magnolia are still in cribs. We purchased “Lifetime Cribs” for them so these beds will turn into toddler beds (once they’re ‘responsible’ enough to stay in one) and then into full-size headboards for when they’re big girls. I always thought I liked the kind of crib where the one side drops down – but now that we’ve had these lifetime cribs I’m so glad we went with them. They feel sturdier and I like that they’ll ‘grow’ with my kids.

Please please please do an ultrasound. Until then, I’ll be crossing my fingers & toes, spitting in my palms, rubbing them together and turning around thrice. 😉

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The Web of Lies

The web of lies surrounding this child just gets bigger and bigger.

I’ll be the first person to admit, I’m a rule player (mainly) and I’m superstitious. I don’t walk under ladders. I’ll go way out of my way to avoid doing so. I always pick up pennies if they’re heads up and I look away quickly & keep walking if they’re tails up. “See a penny, pick it up, all the day, you’ll have good luck.” I even chant that in my head when I find a heads-up penny. When a bell rings, an angel gets his/her wings. I wish on falling stars. I wore old, new, borrowed, and blue at my wedding. (Black cats crossing in front of me I do not see as a bad sign but rather a good one as I’m a cat person. And the number 13 and all Friday 13’s happen to be very lucky for me. VERY.)

One thing I’ll never do is tell people I’m pregnant before the first trimester has passed. I don’t count you dear readers as ‘telling people’. Until recently, I’d only read other moms’ blogs about miscarriages but I had never known anyone who HAD one. My husband’s cousin told her mom she was pregnant, who told my husband’s mom (the cousin’s mother’s sister) who God Bless Her, couldn’t keep a secret to save her life. She told me. Within three weeks, said cousin had lost the baby. And she knew we knew. I still haven’t told Hubby about her miscarriage (it’s not really his business, nor was it mine…). I feel badly for her. Not just the loss of her child but…. the loss of her privacy. If I lose a baby, I don’t really want people to know. I don’t want the pity or the meals left on my doorstep. I want to smoke a bunch of dope and deal with it alone. Privately, perhaps maybe even in a blog post. But basically, I wouldn’t want people to know. While I’m the type of person that my friends ALWAYS come to for advice or venting – I’m just not the type of person to share my intimate feelings. I guess that’s why I write the blog things. I’m sharing my personal life but you likely don’t know me.

ANYWAYS…. so I have my first prenatal appointment on Wednesday (YAY!!!!) and we’ll find out just how far along I am. By my calculations I’m about six or seven weeks, which means we’ve still got a month and a half to keep this a secret. With my growing belly, morning-noon-night sickness, my new (fabulous) pair of boobs – that alone is difficult to hide on my 105 lb frame. Factor in our skipping Hippie Nights with friends (on which I was always the last one still smoking), my daily napping, the refusal of my favorite champagne my MIL bought for me for dinners at their house… we just seem to be telling lie after lie after lie.

I suppose it’s not straight-up lying. More like fibs, protecting the truth. But I feel terrible. I was supposed to meet my girlfriends in the Big City for the weekend. It was going to be great, just like old times. Unfortunately because the movie I’m currently filming (true, I am) is filming all week and weekend, I just won’t be able to make it (not true, that’s a lie). Truth is, if I came up for girls weekend without my hubby, without my kids and I wasn’t the first one partying – they’d know exactly what was up. Tonight our friends came over and I was “too tired” to participate (true, I am tired) so I made sure to be upstairs “in bed sleeping” before they arrived (not true, I was watching Platinum Weddings as low as I could hear the volume and wondering why this ugly wedding was considered Platinum). Today at the pool with the family, I couldn’t drink any Asti because I was driving home (true, I was driving…. but I’m a big liar because I’m pregnant). Because my husband needs to tell his dad he’s attending a doctor’s appointment with me on Wednesday we’ve come up with a solution: One of my daughters has only one kidney and during a prenatal ultrasound it was discovered I likely have some sort of kidney issues. We’re going on Wednesday to see a “kidney doctor” to make sure everything is fine – purely routine but we both want to be there. LIE. Popular Question from EVERYBODY: “When are you guys having more kids?” – My reply: As soon as you all start donating money to us so we can afford one, we’ll start trying. LIE, I’m due in January.
The lies just get bigger and bigger. We’ve already got our plan for when we come back from Bonnaroo and we see Phish again later that week with a group of our friends. Apparently, I’m going to have a really bad trip at Bonnaroo and smoke pot that must have been laced with something. This will make me decide to lay off the dope for a while until I feel comfortable smoking again. LIE. LIE. LIE. I won’t be smoking anything until Christmas 2010 when I stop breastfeeding. Which is a truth. 🙂

(*Disclaimer: I don’t do drugs. I smoke pot. Not every day, but more than occasionally. Well, I SMOKED pot until the day I discovered the plus sign on the EPT test. I’d never smoke knowing I was pregnant – there just aren’t enough studies yet proving it’s okay – although I’m interested for more studies to come out showing how great it is at curing nausea!!! I’ve been a toker for over a decade now; anything you say is not going to change my beliefs about it… So if you have a problem with this, find a different blog to read. Thanks!*)

There are so many other “lies” we’ve told… I wouldn’t even know where to start. But it’s beginning to be ridiculous trying to hide this pregnancy. I’m not sure if we’ll last the whole first trimester.
Anyone else have any good stories about hiding pregnancies for the first trimester? I’d love to hear them. 🙂

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Finally Eating Food

12:45am last night, I HAD to go downstairs and eat a peanut butter sandwich. No jelly. Just the PB and bread. And a big glass of milk. I swear Organic Milk tastes so much better than normal milk. The last time I was pregnant, I had a PB sandwich EVERY night at 1am. EVERY night. I’m glad I’m back in the swing of things.

It’s 9:45am now and I’m eating an egg roll with sweet&sour sauce. Finally, I’m hungry.

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Grandma’s Funeral & Nausea

We buried Grandma today. Well, we had her funeral today. I have to say there were quite a few looks around the room when the priest said what a joyful life she led. LOL. If anyone knew how to complain and make a scene, it was Grandma! HAHA. But the ceremony was beautiful AND I made it all the way to the cemetery before I had to take an anti-nausea pill. It’s the generic form of Zofran (generic is called: odansetron). Thank GOD we have insurance. These pills cost $439.99!!!! And it’s the GENERIC form. I can’t imagine what Zofran itself costs. This is normally an antiemetic for patients undergoing chemotheraphy, so you can imagine the sort of nausea I’m having. I’m not trying to relate this to chemo – which is in itself an incredible journey for a person to endure – but I have to say, as sick as I’ve been, I feel I can much more empathize now with a cancer patient than before. It’s amazing. The pill, not the empathizing. Within 20 minutes of taking it I was ready to take on the world. Before I took it, I was ready to crawl into Grandma’s casket and go with her.

It hasn’t been tested much on pregnant women which worries me A WHOLE LOT. I don’t even like to take Tylenol when I’m not pregnant. I only plan to take it when I’m ‘near death’ as I was today (no pun intended) but as long as I can stick it out I’m going to avoid taking the pills. I have my first prenatal visit next week (six days, I cannot wait, this week will drag by I’m sure) and I’ll be sure to discuss with my doctor other, more natural ways to cure my nausea. I know the fuller my stomach is, the less likely I am to be sick – but it’s just so hard to eat overnight while I’m sleeping. 😉

I ate so much at the luncheon afterwards that I feel great now! I might go take a nap as I can feeeel the tired coming. I’m just glad I got to eat today. I did lose about five pounds last week which brought me five pounds closer to being ten pounds away from my pre-babies weight. YAY! I finally make it back down and back up I’ll go again. At least I have a leg up on myself and the next baby-weight.

Rest in Peace Grandma. Thanks for being such a terror to my MIL during the whole time you knew her – without you, I would not have the best most understanding helpful wonderful MIL in the whole world. She is a gift to me, from you. My daughters got so much of their spunk from you and I will always treasure the legacy you left in them. I’ll miss seeing you in your armchair in the corner but I know you’re dancing in Heaven with your mom and watching over us. I promise we’ll take extra good care of Grandpa. He’s going to be a busy guy this summer.

Oh, and thanks for all the FAAAAAABULOUS jewelry. I’m glad I married an only-child of an only-child. And I know we both understand the beauty of a Big Fat Rock. 😉 Your legacy continues… XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!

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