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Feeling Less Than Worthy…

My in-laws bought the girls a playhouse. I haven’t seen it yet. I imagine it’s used from a friend of theirs (which is fine, totally okay that it’s used, I have no problem with used childrens toys in good condition) but maybe they bought a new one. I don’t know. I haven’t seen it yet, I was just told tonight that they bought them a playhouse.

Just another way to make me feel less than worthy.

They didn’t do it on purpose, I’m sure. Why would they think that would make me feel badly? I just do. I put a playhouse on the registry so that we could purchase it after the baby was born for 10% off… I wanted to buy my daughters a playhouse. (Although, not that we’d really actually have room here for a playhouse…) What, are they going to take the girls to DisneyWorld without me? Take them to Europe for the first time because we just can’t afford it?

I can’t provide for them in the ways that I want to. We can’t afford to put them into dance classes, or tumbling classes, or music lessons (yes, I know, they’ll only be two in two weeks… but we won’t be able to afford these things next year, or the year after that when they would be able to take classes). We are trying to figure out how in the world we’ll be able to send them to private (Catholic) schools. We are both really unwilling to send them to public school, for many reasons of which I won’t get into today. (Mainly, the Catholic thing.) I’m glad that my children have grandparents who can “take care” of them… but it makes me feel completely unworthy as a parent that I can’t do the same. I mean, it’s just a freakin’ plastic playhouse… right? I don’t want to (nor do I feel qualified, especially in THIS economy) go out and get a job because well… if I did, then they’d be missing out on ME. I think it’s very important for me to be at home with them until they’re at least in school (all the kids in school). I’m not trying to knock the working moms out there – good for you! I’m glad you have a job you love and that you’ve been allowed to succeed in… I never had that kind of luck when I was a working girl. More power to you! 🙂

It’s just with the new baby coming, I already feel like the little I could give them or was giving them is being taken away or cut down. And I think it’s so unfair to do to them when they just deserve the best of the best. And it’s unfair to do to them when they’re just now getting to the age when I could do stuff with them. Like baking cookies together and outings, etc. Especially now that I’m pregnant, I can hardly push them around the mall without overworking my body. There’s no way I could push them around the zoo – it’s very hilly, not to mention all the strapping/unstrapping to lift them up to see the animals… not a one person job. (Again, to all you SuperMoms out there who CAN do it all – good for you. I’m not one of you Super People.)

So here I am. Feeling less than worthy. And when I try and talk to “good old Hubby” (seriously, I’m in need of a sarcastic font… aren’t we all?) he just takes his pillow and turns his back to me in silence. Because he thinks I’m just making a stab at him and his salary. But the thing is, I’m not. He always thinks I am when I get upset about these things, and I’m not.

So not only am I the worst mom ever… I’m now an ungrateful wife. Great.

Big ultrasound tomorrow. I hope it’s a boy just so he’ll shut the F**K up about “third legs”, “penises”, “having a SON” (as if having a SON is the greatest most wonderful amazing stupendous thing that will happen to him during his life)… I’m so tired of all the male-whateverness this is about. SO TIRED OF IT.

I hope our SON grows up to be a flaming world famous ballet dancer.

I’ll write tomorrow about the ultrasound, etc. Till then I’ll just be wallowing in my unworthiness gorging myself with the butter cookies that Junie, Mags and I made tonight after dinner.


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